A Prevalent Awakening?

There came a time in my life when I suddenly realized what I’m supposed to do with myself. I’m talking about particular things in my life, such as who I am, where I’m going, and what I was meant to do, were exposed to me. In deed, I wonder if this is a prevalent awakening? Who else has experienced something so profound? It happened to me this evening at the library. I felt my heart quake as the epiphany opened its gates so I could walk through some sort of “right-of-passage,” and feel motivated to enter upon a solid conclusion.

But before I share the rest of my realization, I think I should revert to the time just before I arrived at the library.

I felt reluctant to go in. Suddenly I was telling myself that, inside the library, were people who were more intelligent and better bred than I. These kind of thoughts may seem negative and distorted to anyone who has never lived with depression, for me (someone who does live with depression) they were real and justified. Suddenly, my clothes – a comfortable pair of track pants and a hooded sweatshirt- seemed inappropriate. I felt like I should have worn something a bit more scholarly. Perhaps gray tweed pants with a thick, black turtleneck? Like a vicious cylce, I began to think about my shortcomings: my learning disability and my inability to concentrate on reading. And I began to panic for a moment. This couldn’t be happening! I was angry with myself for allowing these little “Debbie Downers” to take control over me. Though, finally, I was able to soothe these towering thoughts enough to allow a miniscule amount of confidence to sneak in under their enormous stance. I parked the car, turned off the engine, snatched up my bag, then proceeded to the library entrance. As I walked across the dark parking lot, my thoughts began to feel lighter and lighter. Before I knew it, I was smiling. There was a bit of a bounce in my walk. I said hello to an elderly gentleman and commented on the unusually warm weather we were having. As I got closer to the library, my inner being leapt out from way down in the pit of my core. I was ready to tackle the academic reading, which created a great bulk in my bag and an enormous weight on my shoulders from carrying it. And, Like a military woman sent out to accomplish an important operational task, I said aloud, and with a serious expression: “Let’s do this!”

I marched into the lobby, past the lines of people waiting to check their books out, and straight up the wide, spiral staircase. First I walked around the second level, hoping to find an empty study room. No luck. After completing a huge sweep of other sitting options, I decided to go up yet another level, to the third floor, but unfortunately, there were no study rooms available. So, I marched into the very back of the room and sat myself down into a small cubicle.

I opened my Personality Theory text. I thumbed through the pages until I came to the assigned section. I was ready! I situated my notebook so that it was in a diagonal position, which I needed in order to produce the neatest handwriting. And that’s as far as I got.

Then, without warning I was hit with a powerful realization, which pushed me up against a formidable impasse. Then, I was able to discern that it was the wrong time to do academic work. In fact, I knew that I had to set aside my intellectual pursuit to make room for my emotional capacities. What was I thinking; trying to hash out social-cognitive theory? The letters in the text came together to form words, which could have been written in Latin, because they were undecipherable (oh, had my concentration walked out on me again?) When I allowed myself to open up to the possibility of regaining my emotional dignity, I realized how little my heart had been in the pursuit of intellectual stimulation. After all, how can I make my way through chapters upon chapters of text when the thought that, ” I’m not good enough or smart enough to successfully finish my classes” dominates? I have to be emotionally strong in order to clear a path through Academia In other words, I realized that I had been going about it all wrong! I Understand that I wanted so much to make myself feel better and for that to happen, I thought I had to receive an education.

I wonder how many people, who attend Harvard Extension, face the same challenges of living with low self-efficacy? Self-efficacy is the belief in one’s ability to accomplish things such as weight loss, tests, or quit smoking. According to an article I read, “self-efficacy theory provides basic guidelines and suggestions for becoming more confident, effective, and productive in specific areas of life and for enhancing your general sense of self-confidence, self-esteem, and personal efficacy.” Wow, the theory sounds great, doesn’t it? By the way, to answer the above question, I must agree with my darling of a husband, Eric, who said most likely, the number of students with high self-efficacy far exceeds those with low self-efficacy. I take my hat off to the students who are capable of believing in their abilities. There is no way for any of them to know how debilitating it is to not be capable of such. Perhaps Eric’s thoughts were a precedent to the epiphany that hammered at my head during that particular moment.

After I sat down in the cubicle on the third floor, realization of my mental weakness dawned on me. I thought how I was constantly on the verge of explosion. The lyrics to “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” came ringing in my head, like they were dedicated to me, from me:

I cant light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I’m growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

It’s much too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, its always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

Once again, I started to hope and wish for a higher power that could intercede by addressing the underlying issues, which cause my emotional well being to dwindle down. I remembered: “If the universe is for me, what can be against me?” I know that the power lingers around me, but I’ve never, at least boldly, tried to reach out and grab at it. As I sat, hidden inside the cubicle, I started to think I should.

I also realized I’m in need of a new perspective about life – one that will provide more space in the universe for me to be me! I desire, from the most abysmal part of my soul, the freedom to be who I am. Constantly, I hide my true self away out of fear that it will be rejected. I act shy. I hold back from sharing my thoughts and ideas with people; this behavior has gone on for at least ten years. It has rusted my undercarriage, like a car kept out in the winter for years and years. A new perspective would open my mind in ways I could only imagine.

I learned a lot about myself at the library that evening. My knowledge, ironically, came from within myself instead of from one of the tens of thousands of books placed, forcibly and tightly on the shelves. I was proud that I walked through the doors of that intimidating library. And even though I failed the coursework mission, I successfully explored and conquered my feelings for the first time in months, which will, subsequently, open doors to hundreds of self-realizations.

 

Dear Doctor Silen

Dear Doctor Silen,

Here I am again, doing what I should not be doing. I’ve skipped class and I feel guilty about it, even though it’s the first time. Normally I wouldn’t feel so guilty, had it not been for my lack of effort during the last two to three weeks. During this time frame, I’ve dealt with severe depression coupled with an ever-increasing amount of lethargy. After a lot of consideration I’ve decided to disclose the circumstances that have brought me to this point. My primary goals are to communicate how this state of degradation impales me, how self-doubt continues to add to my personal failures, and present effective ways of dealing with these setbacks.

Last week was school vacation, but there was much work to do. I was behind by two chapters in the reading for my psychology class and I had to start writing a paper. I also had homework in my math class. I procrastinated all week because I felt overwhelmed and incapable of doing the work. I was not intellectually up for the challenge. Through out the entire week I was depressed and completely debilitated by lethargy. Mounting hopelessness painted the entire world gray. I avoided the work because I thought I’d have trouble with the concentration and the absorption of the material. I completely gave up, which only added to the depression.

The week before that I felt significantly better. I was capable of doing the everyday responsibilities that go along with running a household. I felt optimistic about the future. I was more energized. I studied sporadically for my psychology midterm; yet, I skipped it altogether, because I was convinced that I’d fail it. I gave up studying two days before the midterm, which only added to my lack of confidence. It wasn’t until the evening of the midterm, about an hour and a half before, that I decided to decamp. On the surface, I justified this decision by reminding myself of my professor’s policy to drop the lowest exam score and that I could just do well on the next two exams, but deep down, I knew there were significant, underlying issues that had caused me to run away from my responsibility.

One of these issues was a constant, self-doubting thought process, which had been whipping around in my mind for days. It impacted my behavior and the choices I made. This happens on a regular basis. For example, I give up on exercise because I lack the confidence in my ability to succeed. I’m scared to fail. I shy away from talking to people because I lack the confidence in my ability to initiate a conversation. Over the course of the past few weeks, there have been times that I fought to swim against the prevalent currents, which these self-doubting thoughts create, yet most of the time, I had given into its powerful force.

There is a conscious, but minuscule part of me that truly believes in my ability to be successful this semester. When I feel capable, I will gear up to hit the books, and after a successful study session, I even look forward to more reading. My confidence grows. Still, the majority of the time is spent believing that I lack the ability, the qualification and the strength to perform at all. During these times I neglect my coursework. In truth, at any moment, I’m closer to accepting a seemingly inevitable defeat. My intuition tells me to prepare for an absolute catastrophe.

During the last two to three weeks everything has exponentially spiraled out of control and all I can do is remain dormant. I want to reach out, but I’m unable to. It’s a phenomenon that affects all aspects of my life, such as the interaction with my family and the ability to execute everyday tasks. It also abates the already dwindling supply of self-efficacy, which is the principle force behind my successes and failures. My lack of ability to estimate or make personal judgments can be attributed to the break down of this force.

Personal failures have dreadful repercussions, such as disappointment, despair, and debilitation. Yet though I’ve acknowledged that these conditions are a direct result of the choices I make, it is still not insight for me to re-engage and plan alternate approaches .For example, I know that if I don’t do my reading then I’ll get behind. If I get behind then I’ll be stressed; which leads to anxiety; which causes me to feel overwhelmed and to give up completely; which causes me to feel depressed. It is a vicious cycle! And I recognize it for what it is, but cannot break free from it.

I continue to undergo therapy with you because it’s my way of telling myself that I’m proactive at getting better. However, there are many ways in which I’ve been resisting therapy. For one thing, I have not been an honest reporter. I haven’t told you about the numerous times that I’ve been crippled by lethargy and have laid on my couch nearly all day, for several days in a row. I haven’t told you about my on-going, obsessive thoughts that I’m not good enough; that I don’t have what it takes. I haven’t told you that, during my extreme lows; I have no desire to take care of myself. Over all I don’t report most of the depressive experiences I suffer from or to what degree these experiences debilitate me. I under estimate the severity of my depression and its potential to adversely impact my thoughts and feelings. This inability to function impacts my family, too. I haven’t told you that I feel a monstrous amount of guilt because I neglect my emotional needs and the emotional needs of my children. This is the appalling, hideous, repulsive side of me that I keep hidden from everyone (including my husband) because it makes me feel extremely ill at ease.

Instead, I’ve been a biased reporter. I’ve shared only the experiences, which inspire and motivate me. I’ve shared my plans to go back to school, and to get a job, or aspects about my desire to write, etc. I report the more positive things about my life and myself because I’m petrified that you’ll think I’m a terrible person and a lousy mother. And it is disdain and harsh judgments that I dread the most.

I’ve realized that I can get better and that only I can take complete control in this process. It is imperative that I learn how to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones. In order to do this, I need to learn to develop new personal constructs. Personal constructs are cognitive structures we use to interpret and predict events. It is my belief that the psychological problems I suffer from are caused mostly from defects in my construct systems. Cognitive approaches to therapy will teach me how to process information differently. I must come to see how distorted cognitions affect my emotions and behaviors and how to deal with future and recurring problems.

If I want to become emotionally and mentally well adjusted, then I have to accurately report my progress, and in doing so, it will require me to be attentive to my inner-voice, which evaluates my thoughts and feelings. This will be challenging because I’ve ignored my inner-voice for years, partly because I’ve been disinclined to connect to it. Also, I haven’t had the desire to execute constructive approaches to improve my mental health, even though I fully realize the potentially positive effects that could ensue as a result of my willingness to use them. Specifically, I want to develop a healthy self-image, to build an abundance of self-esteem, and to achieve a higher level of self-efficacy. I dream about what it would be like to be happy and energetic, and to approach each day with an “I can do it” attitude. I want to escape from this “freeze frame” atmosphere. I know that empowerment can become a driving force behind everything I accomplish. If I give myself a chance, I can stand tall!

This letter is my way of reaching out for help. It is a testament to the effort and dedication I’m willing to put forth so that I can make it to the top of this up-hill battle.